I had quite a few people ask that I post about our pregnancy journey on Facebook...however, I've always wanted to avoid becoming one of "those people" who's Facebook page is their baby's Facebook ;) But! I am happy to write some funny blog postings about it!
Being pregnant is weird. Yes, I'm sometimes a little too crass about life's "wonders", but I know there are other people out there who want to know the real scoop on pregnancy and also laugh about it. I am going to make light of this experience - even though I know the precious little bundle of joy at the end of the journey is worth every moment of it. These blog postings may sound like I am complaining, but rather it's my coping method - to bring humor to some of the worst aspects of these big changes ;)
My body is mutating into something I do not recognize...although my boobs now remind me of the character "Bane" in Batman - veins everywhere minus me breathing out of a tube, but I'm sure that will come later. Even putting on a jacket hurts and I cannot sleep without a "knocker harness" now. I fear that without this constraint my mammary glands would fall into my armpit, never to return to their normal shape and is woefully painful.
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| Blue veins and all... |
People expect you to feel and function like "normal" but your body is busy doing things that are anything but normal. I do not have the energy reserves that I used to...For example, cleaning my house and throwing a party sounds like something next to Chinese water torture in my mind, but I will do it because I love my friends...and Arbonne has some cool products they can test out. I will be the lazy pregnant person sleeping on the couch in the corner. I still love you ;)
I think women who have already had children like to sugar coat pregnancy so that this civilization will continue to procreate for the sake of the future. If people knew the "joys" of pregnancy and child birth, I think less people would reproduce ;) "Being a mom is great!" but you never hear "pregnancy is the best!" or "Child birth is my favorite thing in the world, as is pooping on the doctor in the delivery room!" Or "I love having my taint split in half, so that I now function like a chicken. One hole!". Nope. It's like a hidden secret. Being part of the Mom Sorority is seen as "cool" but the things you have to do to get there...not fun. And they will break you.
I headed over to Old Navy to buy some cheap stretchy jeggings instead of fully accepting my fate with maternity pants. As I waited in line, I saw some woman holding her baby over her arm, as it drunkenly spewed spoiled milk all over the floor. Sounds of thick liquid hitting concrete filled the space and I'm sure my face melted into a frown similar to the Muppet's "Beaker". Some splatter made it onto the clothes rack and this woman kept going about her shopping while on the phone and unintentionally giving her baby the Heimlich maneuver. Either the woman did not realize the baby was puking everywhere or she didn't care. Based on how she improperly held her child, I'm guessing it is the latter. She just strolled on as her baby left a snail trail of white, chunky vomit. "Oh that's so cute!!!" No! It was not.
Minutes later I watched a store clerk glance down at the floor in confusion at this "mystery substance" and begrudgingly wiped it up with a cloth...I could then see her facial reaction to what must have been a bitter, nauseating smell. She shook her head as she dumped the towels into the trash..."I don't get paid enough to do this". And I thought to myself, "No...you don't."
Babies are cute, don't get me wrong. But to say they are always cute and fuzzy...is false.
Let's talk about hormones! I can say with 90% confidence that I've been really good about not being 'hormonal". I did notice that I teared up at a military enrollment commercial...and realized this was absurd. But honestly, pregnancy doesn't make you cry at the drop of a hat. If you're a chill person, you're going to be chill with your pregnancy. If you're emotional and all over the place...pregnancy is going to be rough for you. I haven't had the urge to kill anyone, aside from my usual annoyance at people's poor driving skills...aside from that I feel like myself, just a very tired, worn down self. If this baby were an interrogator...he/she would be winning. I'm getting to the point where my work is slipping and I am nearing sleep deprivation.
Hunger...I want you to know that I've had true hunger pains in my life. I have actually starved to the point where my bowels shut down and I stopped going to the bathroom after my adult tonsillectomy and a horrific infection. The University of Michigan proceeded to tell me I was "fine", which was hilarious after losing 15lbs or more. Silly Wolverines. So, I know what it feels like to be hungry and starving...However, I can't really explain this persistent and insatiable hunger that has been gaining in power over the last 8-9 weeks. If there were some parasitic alien that implanted itself into your brain and it's main mission was to consume all the food on the planet through your body, and your body alone...that is similar to the type of hunger I've been experiencing. I want to eat. Everything. Always. If I were being hormonal at all...this is where the rage comes from. Hanger. Hanger may have been invented by pregnant women.
Apparently, I'm supposed to gain 25-35lbs throughout this entire pregnancy. Last I knew the average baby weighs about 7.5lbs...guess what the rest is? The rest of the weight is the invisible food demon you're feeding. That's right. When you get pregnant, you also conceive a food demon. A true two-for-one deal! For example, I haven't had fast food in eons...but while driving with Ron the other day, I demanded he pull over and get me McDonald's. What?!? "Oh my God. Ron. Plastic cheese, salty GMO fries. Pull over!! Yum!"
Ron looked concerned..."I don't know who you are, or what you've done with Samantha...but bring her back! Plastic cheese and GMOs?! You are an imposter in Samantha's body..."
I'm sure my eyes also blackened and rolled back, much like a great white shark as I sank my teeth into the fake food. It tasted amazing though. Immediately after my food frenzy I was ashamed. "Don't ever let me do that again." This is what I have turned into...
Apparently Ron also found great delight in watching my good friend Mallory (who's also pregnant) and I "function" in public. It was like watching the two velociraptors in Jurassic Park during the kitchen scene. "Oh my God. Do you smell that? Yes. Oh, let's get food." as we stalked the air for a trail to food. This is Mal and I talking to each other...
I am so blessed to have a partner that thinks pregnant women, stretch marks and scars are beautiful and even attractive. I remember hearing Ron say that when we first were dating and making a mental note that I approved of his stance on this..."Good...because I'm probably going to look like a whale and feel very insecure whenever I have kids." Ron has been amazing and super supportive. Another great thing is when you're in the early stages of pregnancy your significant other will kiss and talk to your fat roll, thinking it is a baby. But just let them think it's the baby and smile ;)
Hope you all got to enjoy some giggles and know I'm being dramatic. So far, aside from the cramps and other symptoms, it has been a piece of cake. Women have been doing this for thousands of years and I plan to take it like a champ ;)
Light & love to you all!
~Samantha~
