Fear & Loving...yes, it kind of sounds like a play-on of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. But it can sometimes surprise us when fear and love go hand in hand...At least I didn't realize it was fear. (Fun Fact: I listened to this song while I wrote...)
"You know, I'm tired of people being scared of getting hurt. Boo-hoo, get over it. Everyone get's hurt. So put yourself out there, take the risk, and live your life otherwise you'll miss out!" I've heard myself say similar things to friends and family, lending my "advice" as if I followed it too. I used to! It truly annoyed me how some people would rather live under a rock than risk their heart on the line...and yet I find myself a hypocrite again. *sarcastic applause*
I was confident I had tackled and mastered that karmic lesson...Learning to give love freely and letting love come into my life. Giving and receiving love, taking risks, and putting my heart out there. I am extremely warm and loving to almost everyone I meet, and always keep the good vibes flowing; it's something I enjoy doing. And yet I am greedy with my deeper heart these days I realized; not wanting to give it to anyone because sometimes I feel there isn't much left of it :/ I jokingly imagine some pathetic, and slightly brown, glob of ground-round meat, wrapped in Saran-Wrap with a name tag that reads, "Hello my name is, _Heart ". And that's my heart. ;) Charming! It's beat up and should probably retire from the shelf, ha.
In other circumstances my heart is strong, massive, and beats with the pride of an African drum - putting myself out there to help others, defending, and acting with courage. But with "intimacy" love my heart rotates like one of those hidden bookcase doors and the "love" side looks a bit funky. I don't know when this really started but I know the reasons why. Those reasons are the packing twine I keep around my hamburger-meat-of-a-heart and they are limiting, cumbersome, and tiring. And I didn't realize they were still there for the last several years, but now I see them. Now I get to cut them away. The same karmic lesson has come back to haunt me. "Ghost of Karmic Lessons Past" ;) I often see us repeating patterns until we break them and learn from them. So, it looks like I have to redo this exam once and for all.
Sometimes I'll let my true feelings and heart show, but it's brief and fleeting usually. Kind of like some weird version of "peek-a-boo" just to test the waters and see where the other person is at. This is one of those occasions where I hate being a Scorpio (yes we're going to bring up astrology again). We have this crusty and tough outer shell but inside we're "gooey" (check out the Glass Animals song called Gooey), extremely sensitive and love deeper than any of the other signs. We go to the depths of the ocean with feelings and are the most loyal. But that damn exoskeleton is the bane of my existence. I sometimes scare people off, and most unfortunately, I have pushed people away...people who showed me love.
Push. Pull. Repeat. Was this my attachment style as a child? I know us Millenials have a really messed up fashion of dating these days, as discussed in this great article, but what has been wrong with me the last several years? I understand that sociopath brainwashing, infidelity, and abandonment from multiple sources can do a Whopper on someone (we're continuing the burger theme haha) but logically I can see past it. My conscious brain is at peace with the matter, so I shouldn't be having this problem, right? Either my heart or subconscious (maybe both) still seems to have a hard time trusting others and accepting love. Why? Why do people push others away? Because of fear. I also think I do it as a survival and preservation technique sometimes. If you follow this blog (you should!) you've seen my previous posts about how fear holds us back and boy, does it ever.
We're afraid to be abandoned, to lose someone, to love and have love so wonderful that it's a nightmare and horrifying to risk losing it. This post discusses how this fear stems back to our childhood and how we have to make a conscious effort to break those patterns we learned as children. Easier said than done right? And what's even more tricky...is if those patterns were reinforced in your adult life. Break those patterns and those chains that bind you.
But let's not sound like Eeyore, and instead, focus on the moral here (yes, get to the point Sam). Love is an amazing thing. Really, it's the only thing in this world worth fighting and living for. What a horrible existence we would have if we lived in a world without love...it would be Hell, literally. Think about it! I find that the divine is love, and on the opposite side of the spectrum you have absolute absence of love. So! Love is probably the most important thing in this world, I think. It's a solution, it's a salve, a way of life, and a practice. Love is awesome!
So what can you do if you're a bit frosty and have been through some horrible things? One thing you can try is doing a chakra-balancing meditation (free on Youtube) and focus on the heart chakra. If you're still skeptical about "chakras" or "meridians" they've actually proven these energy centers exist in our bodies (dye pooled to these energy lines despite the dye being injected in muscles and not veins). Step two? Forgive. This one is really hard sometimes, especially if the offender really excels at being an a-hole ;) But! You need to do it. You don't have to forget, but try and forgive in a basic sense. Forgiveness is giving yourself permission to move on with your life and to not forget the hurt, but to no longer let it affect you.
One final suggestion is that you can heal your heart and "what has been taken" from your heart...by actually giving more. It seems contradictory. You may feel you have very little left to give, so why give away more? Because love is an energy that cannot be created or destroyed...we transfer it and it flows like a fluid between souls. Start the chain reaction by giving a little love and you'll receive love, if not for the Law of Attraction as well. Start small if you must, but practice the art of giving and receiving. You can begin with minute gestures such as holding the door for someone, waving at the UPS guy, or giving a compliment. Eventually you can work your way up to bigger and more grand gestures, but monitor your happiness and heart during this journey. You'll notice you're healing yourself and others by giving them love. Essentially that is what reiki is too (healing with energy and your hands)! We all could use some extra love in our daily lives, so get out there and share it!
Love can thaw and heat up even the coldest of people...and if you're lucky you can get hot enough to fry up some old hamburger meat before it spoils from the shelf ;). Someone special has been knocking on my "heart-door" lately...I've progressed from yelling "Who is it?!?!", to peeking through the eye-hole, to cracking the door open, and now I'm moving on to opening it all the way and welcoming in their love with open arms.
Light & Love to you all,
~Samantha~
